Thief of Joy ... no longer.

Comparison is the thief of joy ....  not my quote.  I have heard it plenty of times, and taken it to heart ---too few.  I have been fighting the summertime-blues, mostly due to the weather I think. (hope).  It has been dark, windy, rainy, c-o-l-d for weeks now. (months?)  It does get to you and I admit after years in the Pacific Northwest I am 'SAD -  Seasonal Affective Disorder' "sensitive"... but who knew it would bother me so much in the summer!!?  Winter yes.  But summer?!  Seriously?!

So today, July 17th, we had SUN.  Sun.  Yes, sun.  For at least half of the day.  Enough.  Totally enough.  For this ....

Is that not the most gorgeous smile you have ever seen?!?  Just say "Yes".

Wow.  So it has been hard lately.  Since I came home from my visit to the US and seeing my family and being in the same time zone as loved ones.... adjustment back to 'ma vie en France'?  Tough.

A lot has to do with the ever present creative angst that controls my professional life.  I choose to live a life of passion that is dependent on creative endeavors that in turn, I hope, allow me to survive, if not make a living... it's my job.  Photography, writing... creating.

So sometimes in the midst of the summer-time sadness, I start to do this really bad behavior called ..... duh, duh, duh....duuuuuh....... comparison.  com-par-is-son.   BAD.

It started when I came back from the US.  One of my very anticipated magazine pieces was rejected.  But I didn't know until the magazine published.  Actually it was bumped (apparently to the fall issue) but rejected or bumped (OUCH).  Then another project kind of went sour.  My passion for it was completely twisted and squeezed out....over a period of weeks, and endless emails, and frustrating exchanges, and inane accusations..... gone. Done.  I am over it.

Enter self-doubt.  Enter comparison.  Enter-----thief of joy.  I started to look around--not for inspiration but for some measuring guide to tell me where I fell short.  Why was I not crazy successful, why didn't I get a gazillion-comments, fans, tweets.....admired, inspirational....successful.....financially successful.......  yuck.  I hate that last one.

I looked at blogs, websites, e-commerce sites, books, magazines----Pinterest!  (Gasp!)

I fell short.  Over and over again.  I even reminded myself of the mantra that I put in my head because realistically or apparently--I am pretty lucky---"I live in FRANCE!"  and as always--that concept that seems to wow and impress so many who remind me of that fact with adoration and envy----means very little at the end of the day.....when it is counter-balanced by the reminder that I am unable to master the language here, have very few friends, no local network, no 'gal-pals' or social life outside of family.... and most days, am quite lonely.  Hard pill to swallow.

Okay---before this all goes much further-- I remember that there are huge HUGE reasons that I have joy in my life.  My children, are beyond compare.  They are perfect, gorgeous and wonderful.  I am (as much at times as it is a struggle) doing what I LOVE---not like.  LOVE.

French Guy---my friend and companion for over 17 years---get's me---(Most days)--- and supports me EVERYDAY.

Creatively, it is all growing pains and every anxious moment leads to growth ...as long as I am looking within and outward--only at ME.  Where I have been, where I am going.... and where I dream to go.  And as long as I stay far from that thief.... never comparing where I am at--or could go with anyone or anything else.

Living in the moment.... seeking joy.  The sun comes back.  It's true.  And each day--it hangs out a little longer ....