Bad French

'French Guy' gets me.  I know, a strange revelation at this point.  We have been together for seventeen years and three months...married for sixteen years and nine months....Yes.  Do the math.  We were together for only six months when we got married.  We are like that--we decide to do something and we do it, just like that....it's our pattern...we talk about something, make a decision, do it; whether it is buying a house, moving, having another child---I think we are a good match that way. 

So I have been 'pondering' some things since the holidays, trying to sort through resolutions and revelations.  One thing that has been tumbling around in my heart and head is this new situation of living close to family (the first time for both of us in our adult lives.)  Do you live near your family? (parents? siblings?)  It's a new concept for us....and I can't say that we are brilliant at it--or so we are finding out.  In short--it's tricky.  Add in a language barrier (at least for me...) and you have more tricky--MORE-more tricky.  So although I won't go into detail here and now--I will just say I am struggling to be understood by the French family in more ways than one....have hit some snags with particular family members, and this has been a tiny bit of a set-back in the 'finally-feeling-at-home-in France' endeavor as well as an overall deficit in the joy and happiness bank......c'est vrai....quelle dommage.  It will work out--I am sure of it...eventually.

So on this note....we had a conversation this morning, 'French Guy' and I......which started by me saying something doom and gloom like this....."Maybe I will just always be unhappy".  ...and he says, "What do you mean?" and I say, "Like maybe I am just chronically unhappy....or terminally unhappy"....to which he said...."Then the question is...are you happy being unhappy?".........

Bing-bing-bing-bing!!!  Jack-pot--correct response!  What I was saying is that after determining I will only be happy living in France once I speak French (mais bien sur!) and that I have recently determined that perhaps I am a complete and utter i-d-i-o-t and will NEVER speak French---I in-turn will never be happy......

The next part of the conversation was equally sucessful....(for 'French Guy'---he was on a roll!)  I said I was stuck always looking for the next thing, the next challenge, the next 'thrill' as it was....to which he said, "You can't help it.  You are one of those creative-artist types. You have to be that way".......

"Creative-Artist Types"---- 'A-r-t-i-s-t'....Ooh la la----S-C-O-R-E!!!! 

Wow--thanks for saying that!  How he managed to take my angst filled proclaimations and turn them into.....compliments?  Wow. wow. wow....I think this guy gets me. I was feeling better all ready.

So back to this French thing--the language part.  I have to go to school to learn French or be deported..(sounds funny, but it's kinda true....) If I want to stay, legally, long-term---I must speak French--I must go to school and learn enough to pass FIVE levels of French language.  Daunting?  A little?  My biggest challenge is making some 400 hours of class fit into my normal daily life schedule which includes one (soon to be TWO) business ventures, writing, creating, developing myself professionally as a photographer, finishing the several books I have written or started, and keeping a household of three children, three cats, three dogs, and two goldfish....oh and French Guy---happy, fed, clothed with clean clothing (most of the time..) and just overall cared-for and content.....well--if you are tired just reading that--then you get me too!

But you see--learning French is the final bane of my happy-existence here in Cheeseland--and apparently my only hope in being fully ensconced into the French family. 

So here we go mes amis.....I am posting this--in writing--as a vow.  I WILL SPEAK FRENCH.  Actually---I will speak BAD French....I am done waiting to be perfect, I am done being worried about constant correction.  I will speak whatever words I know in whatever form I can think of--conjugated or not.  And here is a little promise I am putting out for French Guy--who has proven today--that when it comes to the important conversations (IN ENGLISH) he rocks.....now we need to speak French.  In the seventeen years we have been together--he has not spent ONE day speaking to me in French.  Come to think of it--not even one hour!

So there you go.  Are you with me?  Maintenant je dois aller. Je suis fatigué. Il a été une longue journée et demain sera encore plus longtemps.

There you go!  How bad was that?....Wait.  Don't tell me.

A bientot, mes amis!

Petite Fille

At almost this exact hour, 365 days ago--this little person, ma 'Petite Fille' entered this world...with her cord wrapped three times around her neck...and just a bit over a week late....

What an entrance....non?  She is her mother's daughter.....what can I say?  She has already shown a predisposition towards 'high-maintenance'.....she takes over a room just by smiling,  she has absolutely, positively inherited the family gene (on the maternal side) for jewelry, shoes, (especially boots!) and anything shiny-sparkly.....

In her short lifetime so far, she has caused me to believe in miracles, look on the brighter side, cherish a moment, and re-shuffle everything that I think I need to accomplish on a daily basis....without ONE single regret.

My French daughter--who already speaks the native tongue better than her mommy---but not for long. (J'espere!) 

Joyeux Anniversaire, ma belle petite fille--- I cannot imagine my life without you.

Gros, gros bisous.....

Deux Choses...

I am in shock that both of the boys returned to school today after the long Christmas break 'sans' drama!  In fact beyond a slight wrinkling of his nose and a teensy-tiny whine--Middle Garcon, who I assumed would make a big production of rebellion--only made a simple statement when going back after his lunch break today--which was, "I wish they never invented school"..... but he said it more matter-of-fact-ly than as a statement of mutiny.  So I of course had to respond equally matter-of-fact-ly and say, "They had to."  (I know impressively profound.) So he said "Why?" and the only thing I could come up with was, "So you can learn things and become good at something that you like to do and hopefully someday someone will appreciate it and pay you to do it....and you will be happy."

Which makes me smile.  Because that's what so many of us want, n'est-ce pas?  Still trying to organize my thoughts about 2012--what I would like to put down as "goals"--just because that's what people do for the New Year--right?  I don't really need a new year to do this--in fact my personal 'clock' or calendar seems more to be based on our arrival in France (June 18, 2010) and the time that has passed since; (almost 18 months).  That for me was a clean-slate new start that has dominated most of my endeavors to date.

Of course I would love to do more writing (and get published!) I would love to have more time to read too--and take pictures.....But, I don't think I need to have a list of proposed accomplishments for the year either...at the end of it I do not need noteworthy aspirations--what I need, really need and have always needed down to the basic-bones is to be HAPPY. 

In 2011 I think I had to work harder to be happy than any other year so far.  Yes, we moved to a picturesque, stylish, cultured, romantic, charming country, I had a gorgeously delicious new baby, I had good health, I got to see my two boys thrive, started a little business, learned a ton about taking pictures and I hope got a little better at it, and had a chance and inspiration to do a lot more writing.... and was stretched to learn and adjust and re-invent until I was blue in the face. 

But I was also very lonely....have yet to master the language enough to have a real conversation, and I have to say, with no offense intended--I am not yet a part of the French family--I am still an outsider (mostly thanks to the language issue)......which still feeds the gnawing homesickness for my own loved ones--and people that really know me.

So what does it take to be happy?  I have decided that it will be two things (deux choses) in 2012--keep it simple right? 

1. I MUST speak French---not write, not read---SPEAK.  I need to become fluent enough to answer the phone when it rings at home, go out all day long running errands and get every single thing I am looking for, go to the doctor and speak for myself (yes I was happy to have him in the ER with me last week--but do you have any idea what it is like to have to take your spouse along to your gynocologist appointment?)
2. I MUST drive.  I love to drive.  I love my car.  We brought my little white Mini-Cooper all the way from Seattle. It makes me endlessly happy to drive it.  The problem is---I hate driving here on the narrow, winding roads...."highways" are more fun--going 130k...(around 80MPH)....but driving in the small towns, squeezing three cars wide on a single wide road, parking in crazy packed allies.....not my thing.  Here's the bigger problem--there is no license exchange with WA State...or California--the two most recent states that I have been licensed to drive--so legally, I cannot drive here--until I take French Driver's Ed--a driving course that costs about $900 and then take a written test (in French--bien sur!) which brings us back to #1.....

 So two small 'resolutions' for 2012--those two little things... These two things will open up the world of independence again for me...and it's time to get that back.

But just in case two resolutions are not enough--here are the rest.... I plan on eating more chocolate, sleeping more, laughing more, reading great books, having more friends, cooking more delicious food and spending more time at the beach....there.  I think that covers it.

Happy 3rd day of 2012 mes amis!

Au revoir 2011....

This is my THIRD attempt at writing a 'New Year's post'.... one was started at the beginning of last week, right after the post about my little domestic accident with the sewing needle....then I attempted to edit and finish it on New Years Eve afternoon--then yesterday, New Year's Day--I deleted it.

It's not that I am not inspired for 2012--I am already bursting with ideas and goals and am already 'lit-up' to get going.  But sadly--I am hampered by a little four letter word....a very bad word....here it is:  O-U-C-H.   Yeah-- I am giving in--a week later--pain--big baby or not---mon pied really, really hurts.  The strange bi-product of the discomfort of standing, hopping and gimping around the house, not being able to put on shoes (which during this time of year kinda keeps me inside)...is  that beyond not being able to focus, it  is starting to get me down.  A little.  A lot-little.

You see I was on this creativity roll---cooking, baking, creating...and now since Christmas eve I have been 'grounded' so to speak.  This morning there was a small patch of sunshine breaking through the grey and I was absolutely dieing to don the running shoes and hit the beach...first time for 2012. I would have--if I could have.

On the bright side--I have had the amazing support of French Guy.  He has taken expert care of Petite Fille and les garcons.  Although the meals delivered on a tray to the bedroom have stopped (about one day after his proclamation that he NEVER-ever wants to be a single dad) and I am back in the kitchen to do the family meals (Flamingo-style on one leg)...I have also had some lovely long hours to discover a couple new blogs by writers/photographers that have really illuminated some inspirations for this new and shiny, blank slate year....

One is called 'Cosmic Candid Camera' by John Langford, a Texan who sold every thing he owns (including most of this camera equipment) to travel the world and photo-document his experiences for three years....great images--great read.  I was also turned-on to a blog by Chase Jarvis--who is a artist-photographer-guru from Seattle--already a few of his blog posts have taught me some invaluable concepts that will certainly influence my attempt to take better pictures... and from his blog, I also stumbled upon another image 'blog' called 'Photo of the Day' by Hugh Crawford--a man that took one Polaroid a day for 6000 days--18 years--from 1979 until the day of his death from cancer in 1997---Not fancy, hi-tech, photo-edited images...... but rather gorgeous, poignant and very moving.

So with all of this talented aesthetic in my head--and unable to get out to shoot some freshly inspired pictures for 2012 (I mean really--how many more pictures can I take of Petite Fille?!--Oh yeah--silly question.) I went sifting through my files for 2011 in search of my favorite shot of the year--hoping that would spur me to write a provoking summary as my New Year's post---something amazing like a beautiful image of La Tour Eiffel with fireworks (stock image above)......but instead I found this.

My favorite picture of 2011--and I didn't even take it...but in it are the most influential people of the year....What do you see in this picture?  We are all clearly 'chillin'..... but can you see the feeling of 'home'?  Can you see how there is a new person in this photo that wasn't there in 2010?  And if there was ever any question on how or would she fit into our family...our 'new life'..... can you see the answer?  I was almost asleep in this picture--a cool summer day, late afternoon....

2011 was not a bad year--not at all.  To find a picture that sums it all up might be nearly impossible--a gorgeous picture of the market?  Our sandy beach taken on a morning run?  A Sunday afternoon brocante?  A day in Paris? A BBQ with friends?  No....just a picture of a moment--a few minutes of calm, of contentment--of being ~HOME~.....  That's what this picture says--and it says a lot.

I will write at another time about plans.....aspirations....resolutions....but for now, this is enough....  2012 is going to be glorious.  It already is......

Bonne année (et bonne santé) mes amis!